Not in the club

Mothers' Day Cake crop

Mother’s Day is just around the corner.  I have a mom who I love and adore.  I have a sister who is a mom.  I am very lucky to be able to celebrate them on their day.  I have friends who are moms.  I understand it is a tough job.  I am happy they have a day to celebrate their role as a mother.

But for me?  It’s hard.  Every year it’s hard.  This is not one of those things that time has helped to heal for me.  And every year I struggle with expressing how hard it is because I don’t want to seem bitter.  Because I’m not bitter.  I’m just sad.

No matter where we go on Sunday moms will be handed flowers or asked to stand or they’ll be applauded.  And rightfully so.  And there I’ll be.  Seated.  And without a flower or applause.   When that happens I feel like a barren, broken, empty shell.  A failure as a woman.  364 days of the year I cope with it pretty well.  I keep a great attitude about it (I think).  I don’t allow many pity parties for myself.  I don’t moan “Woe is me” very often.  But this is just the one day I can’t escape it.  Christmas, Easter, Halloween, etc. I’m fine.  I think to myself “maybe next year”.

After 10 plus, yes TEN plus, years of trying to become a mom I’m still not a mom.  I’m just a woman.  I’m the girl whose parts didn’t work and whose adoptions fell through.  What makes it worse is that CSP works retail so he’s at work every year and I’m left to face it alone.   And please understand that my mom and my sister and my friends do all they can to make me feel appreciated on that day.  But it’s still going to be hard to face the world on Sunday.

I’ve still got hope in me.  I’m not finished fighting the good fight yet.  Our social worker was here today with no news.  Just a routine quarterly visit.  Just a reminder that it could still be another year before we’re matched.  Another Mother’s Day on the horizon.   I’ll make it through.  Maybe next year.

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8 thoughts on “Not in the club

  1. I got an email but don’t have a password. Hope everything is ok. xo

    Kelly Hain Sent from my iPhone

  2. I under stand 100%. Mother’s Day sucks for me too. Mother’s Day without a Mom is the worst. Just be with your family that day. Family can make anything better!

  3. I 100% consider you a mom! You take care of csp and the dogs and that is a full time mom job! You are a mom, Shannon! No matter what anyone says. You just have a full grown man child (often the most difficult to manage, haha) and fur kids and one day you will add to your brood!

  4. I’m with you. You aren’t alone. I wish we could spend Mother’s Day together. We could start our own club! Hugs. Be kind to yourself on Sunday.

  5. OH Shannon, just reading this now. These Hallmark holidays are soo hard and I remember every mother’s day just about killing me before we had Maeve. I am so sorry I am late in seeing this and I am glad that blasted day is over. You will be a mom and you will be a great mom. I can’t wait to celebrate with you.

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