Mudslinging

Mudslinging

I promised you a story. First I want to say thank you for all of your support. You don’t know how much it means to me. Thank you. Things are getting better, I know they will.

****This is not a short story. But I promise you it is worth the read and includes a daring midnight rescue, a shovel, loud music, and camping terrorists.*****

The other night I was feeling especially mental and had to get out of the house. So I jump out of bed and throw on some flip flops and capri loung pants, grab my purse, leave a note for the boy, and go. I needed to drive. The weather was nice and I just wanted to roll the windows down and not have to think. I drove around town a bit and explored some of the streets near our neighborhood that I hadn’t been down before. Then after about 40 minutes or so I decided to come home.

I pulled into the back entrance of our neighborhood and drove toward our house. I was passing the entrance to this new development that’s being built and noticed they had paved the streets. So I turned into the development so check out the progress. Well, the pavement ended rather quickly, but I could see that some “roads” had been cut in the dirt by the trucks and I wanted to see if they’d carved out the streets and where the houses would go.

Well, they hadn’t put in any street lights yet so it was really dark. And I live out in the country so dark is dark, not like city dark. So I could only see what my high beams would show me. This meant that at one point I’m driving on my side thinking I’m going to flip over. I couldn’t see where I was going very well and I got off the road somehow. I had to do a lot of back tracking to keep from driving into trenches. I finally decided I’d had enough and needed to turn around and go home. So I did turn around. But then it happened. I was stuck.

I was stuck in shin deep red clay mud that was clinging to my tires and spraying all over the car. Now is a good time to review my outfit. Flip Flops, capris, and a tshirt (sans bra) is not an outfit you want to be wearing when you find yourself in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night in the middle of a mud bog.

Well, I was not about to call my husband and play the damsel in distress. So I got out of the car (which is a Toyota Rav 4

named Jorge- meant for a tiny bit of offroading but nothing like this- Jorge was pissed let me tell you) and I took 2 steps and sunk into mud up to my shins. Then there was this sucky mucky noise and the mud sucked off my flip flops! So now I’m barefoot while assessing the situation. I started digging, but I didn’t have anything to dig with but my hands. I wanted to keep one clean for driving and calling 911 if need be so I only dug with my right hand. I got back in the car and tried to get out again. No go.

While I’m standing outside the car I hear all this music. Loud music, right through the trees behind me. Oh my God all I could think of was a band of terrorists huddled around a fire blaring their 50’s do wop music. The leader says “hey, you hear that? i bet that’s a girl stuck in the mud! let’s kill her!”

It was so dark out that I couldn’t see beyond about 100 yards, so I didn’t know how far away I was from the road or anything. I just knew I was way too close to killers. So I called Jon. Honey, I’m stuck.

No you’re not, just come home, it’s ok, we’ll talk.

No, honey, I’m stuck in the mud at Madison Green.

(Here’s where some expletives are thrown out and the name of the Lord is invoked a few times in vain) Where are you?

Not sure. I came in the main entrance then drove all around and now I can’t see anything but I hear the killers and their music.

(Again with the name of the Messiah) Ok, stay put, keep your headlights on and don’t keep gunning the engine. I’ll be there as soon as I can.

Now’s a good time to point out that Jon lost his cell phone a few months ago, so this was our last bit of contact until he either rescued me or I haunted him after becoming a victim to forest killers.

While waiting for my heroic husband I dug some more, called 911, then hung up before anyone answered because who wants a ticket for tresspassing? Then I took my little purse flash light card and tried to signal passing planes. I took note of my supplies in the car: mints, stationary and a half of a warm diet Vanilla Coke. I’m going to die in my car. Maybe I should go ahead and call in dead to work.

Jon gets there in record time, about a half hour. He had to park the camry at the end of the pavement and just walk around the construction site until he saw my lights. Did I mention that this development will have about 400 homes when completed? Yeah, not small. Jon told me later that he got off the phone with me and said to himself “Ok, what do you take to dig your wife out of the mud?” He pulled on some old jeans, grabbed a shovel and a flashlight and extra batteries and hit the road.

I see a light bouncing around coming toward me. At first I’m all excited- it’s Jon! So I flick my little light back at him. Then I think- killers! So I jump in the car and turn out the lights and pray they’re too drunk to find me. But then I realized they wouldn’t sneak up on their prey with flashlights, so I got back out of the car and waved Jon over. When he walks up to me he says I look like I’m wearing moon boots the mud is so caked around my legs.

The digging commences. Jon doesn’t think we’re gonna make it. We’ll just have to call a tow and walk back. I remind him I’ve lost my shoes and I’m carrying a Coach bag and I’ll be damned if I’m slipping in the mud and getting it all mucky. Plus, I have to be to work at 9 am! At this point it’s about 10:30pm. Fine then just hold the flashlight.

I had already gotten my right hand muddy so I dug around the back wheels while he took the front. We dig for about 30 minutes and try the car again. No go. Jon says we’re just digging deeper dammit and not making much headway. I say should I call Hale? Or our neighbors across the street? Jon stops and looks at me and says Honey this is one thing the neighbors need not know about.

We dig for another 20 minutes or so. Well, Jon digs and I scooped with my hand and batted away mosquitoes who managed to bite the very little bit of skin that was not covered in mud. People, I had mud all in my hair, all over my face, all up and down my arms and legs. Purty.

Jon says we’re ready to try again. I get back in the driver’s seat (my front mat is caked in mud) and Jon takes his position ready to push. Poor boy gets smattered with muddy clay each time I hit the gas. Finally! We’re out! He puts the shovel in the car with me and makes me follow him until he finds terra firma. Then he gets back in the car and we drive to the entrance of the development. His camry is there, but clean, so he leaves his shoes in my car. We drive back to the house and drop off the camry.

Ok, so now we need to wash the car. Problem is, we don’t want to do it at home and arouse suspicion, so we need to go to the self serve car wash. Other problem is we have no cash. Still covered in mud and barefoot (though Jon dug my shoes out for me as to not leave evidence at the scene) we drive into the next town to go to an atm. They only give me 20’s. The car wash will only take up to a 10. Dammit! Now we need change. Jon’s in the back seat covered in mud. I’m up front covered. The shovel and our shoes are also up front. We look like we just buried some bodies for the mob.

We drive to one fast food place to get a drink and change (we can’t go in a gas station or anything and it’s after 11:20 so our options are limited). The line was way too long. On the way to the 2nd fast food place we had to stop at a stoplight. These guys in the car next to us lean out and yell “Hey! Ya’ll been mudslinging??”. We make it to Bojangles and order teas and a biscuit (in all the drama I never ate dinner) and get our change. The lady at the drive through window looks like she’s about to call the cops on us. I’m trying to hide my muddy digging arm from her but it doesn’t matter because the car is caked and so is my face. I’ve got my right arm between the seats in the back and Jon keeps yelling don’t touch me with your muddy digging arm! He loves to freak out the locals.

We get to the car was only to find 2 other cars there vacuuming. In the middle of the night! Can it not wait people?? The change machine runs out of quarters and shorts us a dollar fifty. Jon’s yelling at it. It still won’t cough up the money.

Jon hangs up the mats on the wall (Thank you Jesus and Walmart for all weather mats, I may still be able to sell Jorge one day) and lines up our shoes and the shovel. He sprays off the car and the mats and shoes and shovel and that takes a good half hour and around $12.75. Then he calls me over and sprays off my legs. Man, those high powered car wash wands hurt!

We go home and as soon as we’re in the door we strip and head up to the bathroom. I get in the tub and Jon’s in the shower and by the end of it I look like I’m in one of those shishi mud baths. My skin retained a lovely orange glow for the next 2 days. But I got it all scrubbed off.

We went back to the scene Sunday morning to check it out in the daytime. Jon said had he been able to clearly see what I was in to he would have totally made me walk home. I was stuck a full mile from the main road, and another mile from our house. Oh, and the music we heard was from a Christian production. Apparently forest killers don’t listen to doo wop. I took pictures when we went back. I thought about taking them that night, but would have cried for sure had I lost my camera in the muck. You can view the pics here: “>Mudslinging.

Strong Enough

I thought I was strong enough to get through this quickly and easily. That I’d distract myself with projects and research and I wouldn’t be sad for long. Then a man I know just had a baby, and they named it the name we would have named our son. Then we were grocery shopping and a little girl stood in line behind me polite as you please and she looked like us. Like a little me with blond hair and brown eyes. And I look around and all I see are babies. Or pregnant people. And I just couldn’t take it any more. And I just broke. My heart broke all over again because I’ll never know what my children would have looked like. No baby out there will inherit Jon’s musical abilities or my artistic creative side. Jon (and my dr) don’t think I’ve given myself any time to get over this. That it is a loss and I didn’t grieve it properly. That I jumped right in to trying to fix it instead of letting myself hurt first, and heal.

So my doctor has taken me out of work for a week. I’m a mess. I can’t concentrate and my job is such that an error on my part could cost a family hundreds of thousands of dollars and I am not about to risk my company’s reputation, nor my own, nor the financial future of any of my clients.

My doctor has also given me more pills to add to the cocktail of meds I take each day. One is a tranquilizer. Jon was hoping it would come in dart form so he could let me run around back for a while then take me down and tag my ear. But no, just a boring old pill. Which is kicking in right now.

I do have a very funny story to tell you all about a predicament I found myself in that involved lots of mud and a late night rescue. But that will have to wait.

Hang in there with me people. I know I can get through this. I just need some time.

Baby on the Green!

Baby on the Green!

A friend of mine had a crazy story for me the other day. He was playing golf at the golf course in my neighborhood with a buddy of his. They got off their golf cart at the hole and teed off when they spotted her. A baby. A human 2 year old baby! Walking around the golf course with a plastic bag full of chess pieces and wearing only a diaper. She walked right across the green and disappeared into the woods. There are houses all around, so they figured she was going home. They got in their golf cart and drove under the road through the tunnel and got to the putting green. And there she was again! And since they didn’t see her on the way, she had to have crossed the 2 lanes of road! So they knew something was up. Brent ran over to her and scooped her up. Are you lost? Yes. Do you know where your house is? No. Do you know where your Mommy is? No. So Brent and his friend flagged down a car. The driver happened to be a golf course worker with a cell phone. They called the police and turned the child over. Later they had to give a statement. It was then that they heard the rest of the story. Apparently her mom was home with her 6 month old brother. The mom didn’t even know the baby was gone! And it wasn’t the first time it had happened!

Brent now has all my phone numbers and strict instructions to call me the next time he finds a loose baby on the golf course! And Jon has decided he needs to play golf more often! =)

Retraction

Retraction



I married a hottie. My husband Jon is a long, tall drink of water. He is (and I totally mean this) the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. That includes movies, all people past and present and future, and it also includes a certain electrician who’s name sounds like Parky and who has a role on a certain tv show. A person who I will never speak of on this blog again because as my devestatingly gorgeous spouse said to me this evening (after he spent some time on the internet this afternoon while I was at work- damn cable modem!) it is the world wide web and if I have such a crush then maybe I should just move to New York and marry said electrician who’s name sounds like Parky. And no, I’m not writing something I don’t mean. I really do want to stay here, married to you dear (tad bit irrationally jealous) boy, because I am madly in love with you, instead of moving to New York and marrying Parky. And note to self: while staying here being married to Jon, must remember to leave long honey do list and unplug computer before going to work.

The eMac is here! And that means we have pho…

The eMac is here! And that means we have photos again! So excited! This computer is so easy to use I can’t even tell you. We were up and running in no time. You just plug it in and go. No software to upload blah blah blah. I just plugged in my camera and there were my pictures. Plugged in the cable modem, and we were online. Everyone should go buy one right now! It’s a good thing we got up and running fast because Ike & Kea were anxious to release new photos to their adoring public!

Remember when I told you we were selling my in-law…

Remember when I told you we were selling my in-laws’ piano on eBay? We did so well. They let us keep the $ to put toward the new computer. Thank the Lord for that because we’re in a po period right now. Speaking of, it should be arriving this weekend. So hopefully I’ll be able to get back to posting pics and backing up my Clie again soon.

Oh, and if I get on Oprah I’m totally bringing all my bloggy girls who need babies with me. No question there. We’ll have a great time and come home with babies! And who knows, Oprah might hook us up with some cribs and diapers and strollers etc. I swear though, if we get on, and get babies, I’ll totally go into the ugly cry.

I totally have a crush on Sparky from In a Fix. Man alive. And there is this guy who looks like him on the United Way poster in our breakroom and I love him too. I got busted gazing at the poster while my lunch was heating up in the microwave the other day. Nice, so now I’m leering at underprivileged boys. Looks like it’s time for date night at my house!

I just said totally 3 times in the last 2 paragraphs. What is wrong with me?! This guy I used to work with said I was a Southern Valley Girl. Like gag me with a spoon ya’ll!

I can’t end this post on that note. I’m off after today for the weekend. Saturday is my MIL’s birthday so we’re getting together for that. I’ve got bridesmaid shoe shopping to do to match the wet cardboard colored dress I have to wear in October. I’m going to look like a pile of nude pantyhose. Pretty.

Carnage, Computers, a Birthday & a Long Shot

Yesterday on the way to work I hit a squirrel. I feel so badly about it. I didn’t mean to- I even slowed down while he was crossing the road. Then he turned around with no warning and I hit him. I stopped and checked and he was dead. I was hoping if he was alive I could get him some help or something. But no. Then on the last street before my office was a big black dog that had been hit by a car. Too much carnage for my eyes to bear that early in the morning!

I couldn’t take it anymore. I know it’s only been a week or so without a computer, but I was going crazy. And maybe I was still distraught over all the dead wildlife, but I bought a new computer yesterday morning when I got to work. An Apple eMac. It’s really cute. It’s not the one I really want, the big daddy G5 or the 17 inch Titanium Powerbook, but I’m on a budget. Jon flipped out a little since we’re saving money, but he got over it. Computers used to be a luxury, and now I swear I can’t hardly live without one!

In other news, Ike turned one year old on September 5th. I can’t believe he’s that old already! Such a little old man, but he’s still pretty puppy-ish.

I was reading that Oprah is on a kick granting wishes and fulfilling dreams. I figured if she can give her entire audience new cars, maybe she can hook us up with some babies! So I wrote her. We’ll see. If I get on the show I promise to give a shout out to all my bloggy buddies! =)

Nanny, Baby Broker

I talked to my Nanny the other day for the first time since she received my letter explaining our fertility situation. Nanny is my paternal grandmother. She is a native of Ireland and just became a citizen here in time for the last presidential election. Her accent is still very thick (keep that in mind as you give her a voice in your head).

People don’t really know what to say to us. We hear a lot of “So you’re going to adopt then right?” and “You never know, a miracle can still occur!”. But my Nanny takes the cake. She threw out the regular comments and then I explained that yes we are planning to adopt, but that since it is far more expensive to adopt than to birth a child it will be a couple of years before we can get started. And I explained the physical details and why it would definitely be a miracle if we were to get pregnant.

So then she says to me “Auch Shannon, don’t you know any wee girls who are in trouble who could give you their babies? Then you wouldn’t need an agency!”. Why didn’t we think of that?! All of my friends are unwed teenage pregnant people! My goodness, I’m sure they’d take $100 bucks in exchange for us taking care of their little mistake! Ok, Nanny aka Baby Broker, that would be illegal.

We talk a little more and then she tells me she must hang up because she just thought of her friend Maureen in Ireland who may know of some babies laying around that were born out of wedlock, because “you know that’s looked down on in shame over there. Now do you mind flying to Ireland to pick them up? Any preference on sex?” Like she’s ordering a horse for us to pick up or something!

I get to work this morning and I have a voice mail from Nanny.
“Shannon, take down this number. It’s for a children’s home in SC. I tried the one in Florida, but they won’t let me take the wee one over state lines. So call them up and see what they’ve got in stock! Now, your Uncle Steve’s working on another children’s home for ya too. Get ready!”

Holy smokes. I can picture it now, Nanny pulling up in her Caddy with Pappy in the passenger seat peering out through his binoculars (he’s rapidly losing his sight to diabetes, and while so sad because I love him, the idea of him watching tv with binoculars sends me into hysterics). She’ll hop out of the car and unload a dozen or so babies for us to choose from. I suppose we should start looking for a crib! Or 3! Ha!

So, we’re back, down from the mountain. So much ha…

So, we’re back, down from the mountain. So much has happened in the last 4 days.

  • My dear husband destroyed our sound machine (the rain noise thingy that plays while we sleep), the bedroom tv (which he thankfully fixed last night), and most importantly, our computer. Granted, it’s a 5 year old Gateway piece of *&#$ but it was the only one we had. How did he break it? Only him and God know the true details, but he broke it good. I tried everything I could think of to bring it back to life, but no go. We get this big, black, empty screen with a flashing cursor. I’m fairly sure Jon’s taking a baseball bat to the cpu as we speak. So, thank goodness for my work computer, but unfortunately I won’t be able to post pictures until we can get a new home computer. Sigh.
  • So you’ll just have to take my word for it that this weekend we had fabulous weather, spotted the most colorful, dangerous looking spider ever on the front porch, and that the pugs were so cute in their little harnesses barking to prove to the other people and dogs at the park that they are way tougher than they look.
  • You’ll also just have to trust that the scarf I finished knitting is way cute.
  • Oh, and before we left for the mountains I went with a friend to her electrolysis appointment. Holy smokes. She paid this woman to take a needle looking thing, insert it into her face, set it on fire, and rip out hair and face meat. Then the lady did a free demo on me and I’m just amazed that she can make a living out of what feels like burning people with matches.
  • Oh, and to Sandy who asked about my Helix cut. It did put a lot of body and a little curl into my hair. My hair was stick straight to begin with, except this odd wave over to one side. Now it curls up without all the begging and pleading that used to occur.
  • One last note about the computer being dead. If you email me at heyshannyathotmaildotcom or my yahoo or home address I won’t be able to read it until I can get to a library or mooch off a friend. So email me at work for the time being.