Between a rock and a hard place
I’ve been dreading writing this post. Like if I write the words, then it’s real. Maybe if I just don’t click on post everything will be ok. Well, as you may remember, I’ve been on Clomid for the last 2 months following my surgery that removed my Fallopian tube. Clomid is the mildest of the fertility drugs according to my doctor. The first Clomid cycle resulted in no ovulation, lots of sweating and shaking and crankiness and nausea, and some vomiting.
The second cycle started July 2. My dose was doubled. There was much nausea, sweating, shaking, even more crankiness and moodiness, and lots and lots of vomiting.
Then on Tuesday afternoon I was getting ready to go to the doctor for some anti-nausea medicine when some sharp pains hit right in the nether regions. It was brutal. Since the pain felt familiar (like the pain I felt before my surgery) and since it wasn’t going away we went to the hospital. They hooked me up to an IV right away because I was so dehydrated I couldn’t provide them with a urine sample. Not a drop. Then I was examined and wheeled to the ultrasound room where I had another one of those oh so pleasant catheter/internal ultrasound combos. The tech showed us on the screen where on my left ovary I had 2 large cysts and there was fluid in my pelvis indicating that another cyst had ruptured. My left ovary was so enlarged it was bigger than my uterus!
They pumped me full of anti nausea and pain meds and sent me home.
I had a follow up with my regular OBGYN who had all the records from the hospital. She did another internal ultrasound and saw that the cysts have come down a bit in size and there was still fluid in my pelvis.
So, bottom line facts:
- I’m prone to ovarian cysts- always have been. The cysts growing on my left ovary are causing me pain because of the scar tissue from the surgery.
- One cyst has increased in size by a third in the last 4 months!
- The cysts’ growth is due to the stimulation of the ovaries by the Clomid.
- My OBGYN wanted to triple my dosage of Clomid before she saw the cysts.
- If I take Clomid my cysts will grow, causing me pain and potentially making my ovary top heavy and causing it to twist, cutting off blood and oxygen to my ovary.
- If I don’t take Clomid I can’t ovulate on my own so I can’t get pregnant.
- If I take any other fertility drug the cyst situation will become even worse.
That’s it. We’re done. There’s nothing more she can do for us. The next step would be invitro- but that’s risky too because it’s even more potent hormone wise.
So here we are, a few days before my 31st birthday and we’ve been delivered the news that we will not be parents the traditional way. I can’t have a baby for my husband. I can’t feel a tiny life inside of me. I can’t walk around in cute maternity clothes resting my hand on my buddha belly. I can’t tell people “Don’t you think he has his father’s nose?”.
We’ve explored all the options with our doctor. People have been so great and so nice. And no one really knows what to say. We hear “so, you can still adopt right?” a lot. Like, oh well, since they’re out of Coke just get Pepsi. This is a loss. It’s going to take some time for me to come to grips with the fact that the one thing I’ve wanted my whole life, even though I’ve made all the right choices, even though I’ve been so careful, I can’t have that dream.
So yes, we will adopt. One day. But not right now. We need time. Jon and I are really sad right now. And for the next few months we’re going to just try and get over this. Then, we’ll start saving our pennies so we can start the process. Because, and this just kills me, even though it’s free to get pregnant, and just about any fool can do it, if you are a set of parents who choose to bring a child home but have to go the adoption route, then it’s so much more difficult and expensive. It’s just not fair. But no one ever said life is, right?
So much to say
A proper update will come soon I promise. Here are some highlights (and lowlights) of the past week:
- Wilmington trip- cut short due to bad weather, bad travelling pugs, and a bad case of the vomiting everything that went into my mouth.
- Made another appearance at our local hospital emergency room.
- Did I mention all the vomiting?
- Made major decision involving having children.
- Oh yeah, and I threw up a bunch.
I forget about the black and white option on my camera, I wish I thought of it more. I love black and white photos and my pugs and boy take nice b&w shots.
Remember a few months ago when I won some Tupperware stuff on Ebay from Shaquita Vaughn? And it took months, but finally she refunded my money after never sending the items? Apparently my blog shows up when you Google her name, as many people have done. They have then emailed me to let me know that they too have lost money to Shaquita Vaughn through Ebay because of Tupperware sales gone bad. I recently received an email from Françoise Cruveillier in France! She’s ripping people off internationally! Fran asked me to use her name on my blog in the hopes that someone she knows, or maybe Shaquita Vaughn herself will see it and refund her the $69 Fran gave her for Tupperware she never received. Well, it’s the least I can do Françoise. I hope it works for you!
J So, only 4 more days til we leave for Wilmington for the weekend. I so need a getaway. It will be interesting to see how the pugs do while we travel. We’re taking them on 2 mini holidays to break them in before we do our big vacation for 10 days in October. I have so much to do before we go, and this is my long week at work (Mon-Wed 8-7 and Thurs 9-4).
Thursday after work I’m getting my legs waxed again. A couple of people have asked about it. So here’s the low down:
- It hurts. Sometimes shockingly painful. But then it’s over. In a second. My tattoo hurt way worse, and that kind of pain still doesn’t qualify as real pain. It’s just more shock than pain. Does that make sense?
- It takes a really long time. I was surprised. For a full leg and a bikini wax it took 3.5 hours. It was my first time though, and she said the next time probably won’t take as long.
- It’s not cheap. Some salons charge upwards of $70 per leg. Luckily my little town is situated between a large city and a medium sized town, so I go to the smaller town for less expensive options. I was able to get both legs and the bikini wax for $75. She said it will cost less the more I go because there will be less hair and it will take less time.
- It really does grow back more sparsely and softer. I was amazed. I usually have to shave every other day in the summer. By week 3 you still couldn’t see hairs unless you looked really close.
- Choose someone you like because you’re gonna get really close to them rather quickly!
Holy smokes. I log on to post and find all these cool buttons on blogger. I love buttons.
Anyway…thought I’d share. Let me set the scene. Jon and I are meeting for breakfast the other day because we both have different appointments following breakfast so we have to drive seperate cars. I get out of my car and still have my sunglasses on. This is what I hear coming out of my dear husband’s mouth:
Oh my God. Take those glasses off. You look like you just had plastic surgery!
By the way, I am planning on answering questions that have been left in my comments and posting pictures. I’ve just not had any time. This weekend though I promise.
Last night we had dinner with Jon’s parents to celebrate Bastille Day at our city’s premiere French Bistro, Bistro 100. We ordered drinks and since I know I’m in the clear right now baby wise, I ordered a martini. The waitress looked at me and said “Are you over 21?” in her cute accent. I said most definitely (since in less than 3 weeks I’ll be 31). My MIL said that I was married to her son and the waitress said “You know, they marry at 17 sometimes!” She didn’t believe me and carded me! Then was skeptical of my drivers license saying there was no way I was 30 and Jon was such a rascal to have a child bride. That totally made my night.
Speaking of birthdays…I was updating my wish list for the convenience of my last minute shopping husband, and I was so pleased to see the Beauty Beta section of Amazon! Now they are linked with Benefit, Clinique, Lancome, Lush, all my favorites! That should take care of Jon’s question he asked when looking at my hand written wish list (which he asked for) “What is a Gimlet? And why would you want one? Sounds like a medieval torture device!”
1. I’m a sucker for new products. So when I read in Daily Candy that there was a new mascara at Sephora called Kiss Me (which doesn’t make sense as it’s not lip gloss) I ordered a tube when I ordered some more concealer. It is supposed to not smear and it forms little tubes around your lashes. It does not smear. However, each little tube falls into your eye and stabs it like a tiny sword.
2. I am officially a fan of the waxing of the legs. It’s been 3 weeks since I had a full leg wax and although I’m not slick and smooth anymore, my legs look like they normally do after about 2 days. Not 3 weeks. I will be waxing every summer from now on!
3. Tomorrow I get my hair cut again (it’s pretty frequent because it grows fast and is short). This time around I’m trying a new technique called the Helix. They cut your hair with special scissors and it’s supposed to make your hair all thick and wavy. We shall see if I turn into a big haired vixen or not!
8 Days a Week
When you pack a lot into a couple days off it can feel like you just had a week long adventure in just 2 days. Friday I had a bunch of errands to run, got my nails done, went out for lunch, napped. Then that night we drove up to the mountain house. Saturday morning we toured around the town, stopped in the next 2 towns for some shopping (found a Coach outlet!), drove home, then went to my mom’s for a cookout. We didn’t get to bed until late so by today we were just wiped out. We just hung out today, napping and doing laundry and playing with the pugs. It’s nice though to have a weekend off that feels more significant than the ones that just fly by. I actually feel like I’ve been away from work for a few days now, so tomorrow being Monday isn’t such a horrible thought.